The New Olympics

Two months ago a couple of the world’s top golfers got into an argument over whether or not golf should be admitted as an Olympic Sport.

Representing the nay-sayers was South African US Masters champion Trevor Immelman, who claimed that professional golfers participating in the Olympics was antithetical to the spirit of the games. On the side of those supporting the move was Phil Mickelson, who believed that golf deserves a place at the Olympics.

In the long term it is likely that Phil Mickelson’s position will win out, and that Tiger Woods will win a gold medal at the Olympics in 2012.

However, just because this is likely to happen, doesn’t necessarily mean it should, as the addition of sports to the Olympics is starting to make the event look more like a circus than a sporting spectacular.

In fact, given that in the absence of Tiger Woods most golf tournaments are about as predictable as a game of bingo, there is every chance that golf will be followed into the Olympics by a succession of other sports that would have had the ancient Olympians shaking their heads in dismay.

Here are our top contenders for future Olympic Sports:

Poker

It’s been called a sport by some, and Daniel Negreanu sometimes plays street hockey, therefore there is no logical reason why poker should not be incorporated as an Olympic event.

The World Gold Medal Main Event will draw thousands of players from around the world, all looking to make the final table and win gold for their country. This move will be welcome by equal opportunity groups as it will finally give obese people and octogenarians the opportunity to win an Olympic gold.

Extreme Ironing

Extreme ironing will add a whole new element of excitement to the Olympics. Crowds with be thrilled to watch talented athletes doing the high jump, 100 meters crawl and 200 meter sprint whilst simultaneously pressing a shirt to perfection.

Kudu Dung Spitting

The indigenous people of Southern Africa, the San, have long been discriminated against by the Olympic steering committee’s ethnocentric dedication of the to Western sports. The Kudu dung spitting event will set this to rights, as 70,000 people will experience the joy of watching a bushman spitting a piece of dung 50 or more meters.

Australian Rules Football

What better way to celebrate the Olympic spirit than introduce a sport played by only one country. Australians will seize on the opportunity to guarantee another gold medal by playing themselves in the only Aussie Rules fixture of the Olympics, but will leave everyone else thoroughly confused as they run around in tight shorts and mullets.

Warcraft

The Olympics has long discriminated against people who enjoy spending entire weeks shacked up in darkened rooms in front of their computers. While Olympic Poker will go some way towards correcting this situation, it will take Olympic Warcraft to really put nerds on the map and give them an opportunity to have their skills with mouse and mage recognised by an adoring public.

Sumo Wrestling

Japan’s indigenous sport deserves a place at the Olympics alongside Tae-Kwon-Do and Judo. With Sumos sacrificing their lives, waistlines and body hair to this tough sport, there is not good reason to keep the proponents of this ancient art from competing for gold at the Olympics. This move will also drive the evolution of the Olympic medal, as a new medal will have to be designed for people without necks.

Egg and Spoon Racing

The 4×100 meter relay has been looking jaded for decades. In the future the Olympic steering committee will recognise the fact the ante-needs upping and replace the relay baton with an egg and spoon, adding vastly to the public’s enjoyment of this event.

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