Poker Heroes

Have you ever wondered what would happen if Batman, Indiana Jones, Darth Vader and other stars of the silver screen somehow found themselves sitting around a baize table playing a high stakes poker game? If you haven’t, we’ve saved you the trouble, and put in the hours to determine how some of the biggest heroes and villains from the silver screen would conduct themselves in a game of poker.

Darth Vader

Darth Vader would be a formidable presence at a poker table. Decked out in his black robotic storm-trooper suit, with a light sabre as a card protector, the front-man for the dark side of the Force would be an odds on favourite to take down the big pots. Strengths: Obtaining a tell from Darth Vader is technically impossible as he’d be covered head to toe in his trademark shiny black armour. Throw in the heavy breathing as opponents consider calling his super-aggressive bets and re-raises, and you have a very formidable poker player indeed. Weaknesses: If the death star incident is anything to go by, Darth Vader has a problem with timing. Lack of timing could potentially combine with over-aggressive play to cause Darth Vader to blow his stack on a single hand, (which would probably not be an issue for a player bankrolled by The Empire). Yelling out ‘who’s my daddy’ after winning showdowns might be effective in putting Darth Vader off his game.

Indiana Jones

Indiana Jones has an abundance of the suave cool required to impress other players at the poker table. Jones would combine loose-aggressive play with his ironic smirk, to put all the other players at the table off their games. Strengths: Any experienced poker pro will tell you that you can’t be a successful player without taking some risks. Having faced pits of snakes, demented high priests and Nazis, Indy would have no problem putting his whole stack in the pot while holding middle pair. Weaknesses: Indian Jones shows every sign of suffering from ADD. One could therefore expect him to lack the patience to see a game through to its conclusion. Whilst he’d win some big pots with his intimidating, loose plays, he’d ultimately be taken down at a later stage in the hand being played by a more experienced player.

Neo

The protagonist of the Matrix trilogy showed every sign of being a born poker player, as he battled to save humanity from the computer system that had hijacked earth. Strengths: Neo has been blessed with a natural poker face. In fact he gives every indication that he has only one facial expression – one that expresses nothing much at all. Neo would also be supplied with a steady stream of red pills from his dealer Morpheus, and would therefore be able to see through any deception and call all bluffs. Weaknesses: Neo appears to be predictable and lacking in aggression. Whilst he would be able to read opponents effortlessly, his tendency to allow his opponents to hunt him down, would prevent him from taking advantage of situations by using high-risk aggressive plays.

The Joker

Being a bit unhinged can be a definite advantage in poker, as the likes of Phil Hellmuth, Mike Matusow and Humberto Brenes have so often demonstrated. The Joker is virtually a combination of these three players, combining Hellmuth’s instability, Matusow’s verbosity and Brenes’ downright nuttiness with a makeup job fit for Joan Rivers. Strengths: Unpredictability is the core of the Joker’s genius. Even the finest player in the world would struggle to put the Joker on a range or establish a read. Weaknesses: Being insane does have its disadvantages. The Joker could be expected to go all-in with unsuited connectors, give his tongue paper cuts with his hole cards, and kill his adversaries.

The Terminator

Although the Terminator lacks intellect, he’d be the toughest player at the table to beat. Mask-like features combined with monotone dialogue and an inability to perceive subtlety, are just a few of the weapons in the Terminator’s arsenal (along with sawn-off shotguns and RPGs of course). Strengths: The Terminator has many things going for him as a poker player, but ultimately its the fact that he comes from the future that would result in him walking off with his opponents’ bankrolls. The Terminator would simply need to watch re-runs of the game on ESPN, go back in time and rectify his plays appropriately. Weaknesses: The Terminator is perpetually involved in warfare between the past and future, which involves a fair amount of time travelling and messing about with the fabric of space and time. There is therefore every chance that he might spontaneously cease to have ever existed, at a random juncture of the game. If you enjoyed this post you might also like these:

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